(Yes, it had to be Jimmy Stewart. I don’t answer to you.)

The next entry in the business models file of what-the-fuckery, Switzerland unleashes on Europe the ‘Hotshot.’ Sounds awesome, right? What are Hotshots? Cinnamon candies featuring head explodey? RC cars that breaks the sound barrier? Charlie Sheen sex dolls? Lloyd Bridges sex dolls (ew)?

A Switzerland-based condom manufacturer (Lamprecht AG) recently started marketing extra-small condoms, under the name “Hotshot” for boys age 12 to 14, who often have problems with regular size condoms being too large. (Vibrator)

Something that would sell less than a Lloyd Bridges sex doll. Bold choice. Of course, moms who are too busy blogging to devote any time to real parenting are crabwalking all over themselves over this. Probably because AIDS batter sloshing over the deck of the larger poon balloons is the better option. Don’t worry moms, nobody will buy these, even with the slick product name and the bold neon colors.

Like birthday party baloons for midgets!

Aw, they’re adorable, like little baby bottle nipples! And like baby bottle nipples, the only way it’s getting anywhere near a grown woman’s mouth is if she’s on ecstasy, and just HAS to suck on something. See moms, you can safely unbunch your granny panties, because nobody is going to buy them. When faced with the choice between  asking the sales clerk for a goose noose for his lilliputian member, and actually enjoying sex the way your God intended, he’s going to choose the latter. Your kid will continue to knock up his school chums at Friday night pubic lice burning parties like normal, the status quo safely intact, at least until the girls realize college guys have fully developed dongs that don’t feel like a worn-down pencil stabbing inexpertly at the shallow depths of a mud puddle.

The release comes in the wake of “something I heard on the radio,” about Janice Dickinson claiming Mick Jagger’s dick is super tiny; though before you judge, you have to wonder what your dick would do if you saw her naked.

Like the Pacific in January: Shrinkage, by Janice Dickinson

Even adult males have puny puds, but once again, your business model sucks. Who goes up to the druggist’s counter and publicly announces his penile shortcomings by demanding the dog house of head sheds? “Uh, no, the pretty pink ones, please. I want my G.I. Jane to look as much like a shrimp from a little girl’s kitchen playset as possible. Over to the left, under the tampons, yes.”

In related news, the Australian city of Townsville now has something more embarrassing to boast than being named by a whispily pretentious avant garde  novelist with too much to say. It now has to outsource its jizz from the good ole USofA. And they say manufacturing is dead in this country. So kids, hang on to those fun colored mini milk misers, because they’re paying $700 an ampule.* Which raises some incredible comic potential, if Americans have the balls to punk the shit out of Australia. Seriously, send them the sperm from the Hotshots, and decrease the average Australian penis size by a huge percentage. We play our cards right, we won’t have to see another Paul Hogan or Steve Irwin for all the self-conscious lack of confidence. In fact, why stop there? Let’s start sending them entire batches of midget spunk, or albino splooge. They’ll be all, “Crikey, I’ll drop a bikkie for you to close the blinds, mate! I feel like a shrimp on the barbie next to flourescent lights.” I don’t even know if albinism a genetic thing, but is the slimmest chance of being responsible for an entire town full of albino Australian children worth taking the time to look it up? I say, “Nay, sir!”

*I had to look it up too. Don’t worry, even your dicklet can fill it.