(Dogged that bullet, collection of cells that might have become this monster’s spawn.)

Jon Bon Jovi even bores himself, apparently. Well, its the “rock star” life he’s endured for so long that bores him. Maybe if all his fans and sexual conquests weren’t big haired groupies from Jersey with too much hairspray, he’d have a better time. Or it could be the terrible music he’s forced himself and Satriani to perform that’s bumming him out. Seriously, guys, Bon Jovi are their own punchline.

Celine Dion seems to have miscarried the crime against chemistry and nature she was so excited to be stewing up to unleash upon us lesser demons. I’m not saying test tube babies are abominations, I’m saying hers is (heh, was). Maybe the fates were sending the world a message when they made it so her womb wouldn’t support good, natural life. Seriously, when the kid started becoming conscious and took a look around the barren, unforgiving terrain it would spend the next six months in it probably realised who it was in and strangled itself with the brittle, dry umbilical cord to save itself the indignity of a childhood of unbearable sequined lullabye time hell.

Pamela Anderson ruled out, when nobody asked her, a romantic reunion with Tommy Lee. Let me tell you something about most men, hunny. Once the sex tape is out, he doesn’t need a VIP card to prove he can get into that club. The world knows he’s had you, and he’s moved on to the younger, less wrinkly vag he’s gotten used to as a rock star. There’s also a couple of unwelcome reminders masquerading as children running around, so no worries. She said, “I have no interest at all. You can’t get heartbroken any more over all the disappointments or how he is as a father or anything like that.” You want to know about dissapointment and heartbreak, Pam? Try having your kids listen to any of the eleven studio albums Motley Crue has tried to pass off as rock to legions of music enthusiasts over the years. They’ll pray to god every night he remains the neglectful, rock star father you thought it was a good idea to mate with.