So Cracked.com, in addition to being the pinnacle of internet comedy after mostly dropping their MAD Magazine print ripoff, does a weekly Photoshop contest. You’re supposed to host the image on like flickr or photobucket or something, so you can post it to their boards using a URL. But really, what’s the point in owning your own website if you can’t use it selfishly. Besides, maybe you guys want to see it, too. The contest this week was titled “If Cartoons Were More Like The Real World,” and I decided to address the concern that creeped over me when I was like seven: Why the hell do the Ninja Turtles carry sharp weapons if they’re not going to cut some bitches’ heads off? You have a sword, stab Shredder in the crotch! People get a lot less concerned about world domination if they have no balls. The realization of standards in childrens’ programming was like realizing Santa Claus wasn’t real, I couldn’t watch action cartoons anymore, and I moved right on to the retard raping scene in I Spit On Your Grave on repeat. But let’s take a moment to reflect on how awesome our childhoods might have been.