… not… not the actual poor people, the other poor – - ah, forget it, you’ll see.
Mitt Romney and billionaire Ronald Perelman had a super close shave this weekend. Not only did they come dangerously close to getting poor on them, they were forced to be made aware there are poor people at all. It had to be harrowing for them. There they were, having a quiet little Romnevent on the humbly named 57-acre East Hampton estate, The Creeks. All was well until two boaters entered the 100 acre* perimeter the police set up to keep peaceful protesters at “not even in the same state anymore” distance. In their defense, they didn’t have a choice. Any farther starboard, and they would have been trespassing on Namor the Submariner’s comparitively smaller – but still elegant – kingdom.
Dear protesters: What the hell, you guys? We had a beautiful system going here, and you’re dicking the chihuahua all over the yard. See a couple of years ago, we finally put it all into place with Citizens United v the 14th Amendment. Rich folk could already buy the police, get politicians to gerrymander districts so that Obama debacle doesn’t happen again, and get KFC to release a new original recipe when poor people are supposed to vote. All we needed was the ability to not need any of their votes again, and Citizens United gave us that. Now we don’t have to worry about the whole democratic process. We can just have parties for people whose level of wealthy makes the adjective “stinking” grossly inappropriate, on embarassingly large private theme parks of elegant excess.
Step 1: Be able to purchase presidential elections.
Step 2: Buy all the media so that our
ludicrous personal concepts of governing are given the same credence to the public as real other ideas.
Step 3: Corral anyone who disagrees with you far enough away you can forget they exist.
Step 4: Do whatever the fuck we want for the rest of our lives.
What don’t you understand about this? Why are you trying to ruin this for us? When the police draw an imaginary line in the water you damned well better respect it and know where it is instinctively or you know what you’ll get.
That’s right, scratched paint. On a police boat.Then it will look like they were actually doing something policey, and they hate that in the Hamptons. Do you know what that is going to cost the billionaires that pay for those boats so they can be there protecting them and not fighting real crime? A couple hundred dollars, that’s what. And we are in a recession. Sure, they can afford private security led by trained ninjas and assassins, but really, nothing says, “I am so rich I can afford to buy you and eat you” like using up the public stuff.
Luckily, those two pirates were arrested and beaten up for good measure. But I don’t want you to get any ideas from this, protesters. Romney has two more of these lovely little
cabal plenums fundraisers that he even knows about right now. One is at the estate of Bush’s ambassador to Brazil, which is at 1496 Meadow Lane, Southampton, NY 11968. The other is at one of that paragon of Americana, David Koch’s places (880 Meadow Lane, they only like to travel the half hour it takes to drive across their properties to get banged by each other’s pool boys).
Do NOT go to those places. Do NOT ruin these events in fun and creative ways. Do NOT bring fun things like spray paint and – I don’t know – fresh animal intestines with which to vandalize one of the many rooms the owners have never even seen. Do not inconvenience these innocent men just because their entire purpose in life is to inconvenience you. Their job is to make life difficult for the rest of us, your job is to try and find a job.
*Give or take