(Also, Chicago blues sucks, and their pizza is awful. Detroit is full of ignorant grease monkeys, Boston is a bastion for drunken micks, and San Francisco is a big queer pig pile.)

Alright, cut the shit, Obama. Personages of my ilk (sexy, but relatively unimportant) have stood by waiting for you to get your reelection so you can do the things you promised us, like gay rights, retracting the retarded illegalization of pot, forced sodomy on Bush’s puppeteer staff. But another disparaging remark about Vegas? It is one thing for doucheyer world leaders to demonize Cuba, Russia, England, Romulus, and whatever for the sake of propaganda, but Vegas is a struggling city in your own country, and it isn’t like we’re Communists.* You can take your time with the good you said you’d do, it is a black stereotype to be lazy and you have to play to the blindly adoring constituents, but don’t start doing harm a mere three years before we have to vote for you instead of Sarah “Hostess Brand Fruitcake” Palin again.

“When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don’t go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college. You prioritize. You make tough choices. It’s time your government did the same.”

Oh, you cunt rocket. This is the second fucking time in less than a year, and the fact that it was an offhand remark instead of intentionally damaging one doesn’t matter this time, considering your history. You know what the illiterate smallfolk hear when you say things like that? “My president’s go-to evil, when he really wants to reference a real issue he has with the populace, is Las Vegas. Off the top of the leader of the free world’s head, Vegas is the closest existent allegory to Satan, and I would rather suck off a Klingon** than bring my legitimate business there.”

True, the literally ignorant verbal diarrhea you spouted last year concerning Vegas was exponentially worse and cost a hard won (in the election) state and the companies that call it home — no exaggeration — millions of dollars. Demonizing corporate conventions in a specific city from the podium, calling it a taxpayer drain when, honestly, Vegas is arguably the most cost effective place to hold any event, means people will intentionally avoid the city, if only because the President of the United fucking States said to (I am also wearing an American Flag as an anal tampon. Suck it). “Profligate” is still a word, and you’re not helping to distance yourself from inflammatory and decularizing  Republican tactics like you say you want to with these kinds of statements. Companies that would normally have come to Vegas for their essential mass meetings for the right price, with no intention of using taxpayer money to gamble and see some titties, went to more expensive cities like Miami and New York instead. If the attendees philandered and partied on their own dime, behind their wives’ backs, off the clock, it would only have benefited Nevada’s economy. So, not only did last year’s scorched-earth dumbfuckery show a lack of class and leadership, it was downright uninformed, like Perez Hilton showing up at a glass art All You Can Blow fair with bells on his cock ring.

“I hope you know that during my town hall today, I wasn’t saying anything negative about Las Vegas,” Obama wrote. “I was making the simple point that families use vacation dollars, not college tuition money, to have fun. There is no place better to have fun than Vegas, one of our country’s great destinations. I have always enjoyed my visits, look forward to visiting in a few weeks and hope folks will visit in record numbers this year.”

Too little, like the amount of midget reality shows (there will never be enough “midgets doing real people things” shows), way too fucking late. After this second statement, there is no doubt that the city that pulled its overly religious (surprised? Try living here), redneck head out of its ass to help elect you is compartmentalized in your subconscious with slavery and WW3. And by the way, what are you coming here “in a few weeks” for? Is waking up next to your monster first-old-lady getting to you (death threats on Chachi!), and you need hookers? Gonna hit up Fremont Street for the last remaining nickel slots and cheap pizza? Can’t resist the urge to see the club where Jessie Spano got naked?

Obama is expected in the city later this month to raise money for Nevada Democrats… “There’s nothing like a quick trip to Vegas in the middle of the week.”

Indeed! When you’ve got Air Force One and a staff to do all your work for you, and there’s no chance of your being violated before boarding a $600 plane flight, there’s nothing better than a lazy Wednesday in Sin City. I have no idea why the liberal parties are called elitists, it must have something to do with a decent education. And “Raising money for Nevada Democrats” is so asininely vague, my head is wrapping around it at the pace of growing ivy. How about raising the money that your wild statements have already cost Vegas, a city that 90% depends on the hospitality industry you so callously tore up like so much Randy Quaid personal check? I understand you were referring to allocation of bailout money, but that just makes you the most well-intentioned Tazmanian Devil we’ve had in office in a couple decades. Look before you leap, dude, else you’ll fuck up the whole suicide.

*I can say “we” because I’ve lived in Vegas for a year and half, which is more than enough to learn the ins, outs, and the holes that go both ways. Giggidy.
**My girlfriend and I have decided, after billions of Star Trek viewing hours, that Klingons have barbed penises like cats do, so the victim lucky recipient can’t get away without injuring their vag. I declare us correct, and Michael Dorn the man.