By Sean Torrie

(Sadly, Puff Daddy’s assessment concerning the motivation of most of the citizenry was astoundingly astute.)

You know what’s been driving me nuts?

Damned near everything, but this one in particular.

For the sake of presenting an argument, I’ll warm up the topic.

Terrorism (ohhh yea, that’s where I’m going with this) is something I’ve had to view and review since the day after I turned 18, and our nation either entered, or was finally made aware that we’d been in a holy war for some time. From the start I had this amazing sensation that something was being collectively shoved down our throats, and that thinking about the nature of the problem would only get in the way of the intended progress, so it being in my nature to be a total dick, I decided to start examining what terrorism really is, as opposed to what we’re told to understand it as.

Eventually I found my way to a Sociology of Terrorism class at my university. Yea, a leftist suburban university in New York. I was expecting a wonderful shit show where the class was divided by colored war paint, and the distinctive odors of ganja and crude oil on either side. Instead I was given the complete disappointment of having myself the single most educational class in my entire college experience. I hate it when I actually learn things in thousand dollar classes.

The really key element we were presented is the hackneyed expression of, “History is written by the victors.” If the American Revolution wasn’t a carefully machinated 200 year old Freemason conspiracy started by Sir Francis Bacon, I’m sure Ben Franklin would be remembered as the Bin Laden of his time, while we ritualistically took turns spitting on his grave every 4th of July, which would be called “Bollocks to the Bloody Rebels” day. Instead we were the victors, and the rebels against the norm are heroes of liberty and the New Order of the Ages based in freedom of rights, not the inalienable correctness of the crown. Bully to you, good sir.

The issue of modern terrorism is that it was planned over the internet. These fuckers might live in caves, murder innocent people, and mutilate their women’s genitals but they learned some tricks from Gandhi that will ring true as long as communication continues to advance: there is no bad publicity; unless you’re in politics. The element these fuckers planned on was that every time a soldier fucked up, it’d find it’s way to the internet, and then the previously useless 24 news stations would pick up the clips, over-air, over-analyze, and brainwash the people watching. Thus perpetuating a war of ignorance and fear and… something… something… darkside.

You’ll never hear on the blasted news that the news it self was obviously the key element in the plan for modern terrorism. This fact is accented by the fact they fell right for it. Leaving a news story with a DVD of video on a giant mouse trap could have only been slightly more obvious than a terrorist leader who gives out taped recordings only slightly more regularly than J. D. Salinger.

Essentially my point here is that what one can define as terrorism, I choose to define as poorly negotiated, below the belt jabs at resolving cultural conflict while being a total prick about it. One could easily label Chuck Manson as a terrorist, the extremist hippy, but considering the number of women he kept as pets, I’m just gonna call him a personal hero.

With the topic properly raised and addressed I’d like to head to my point, with but a little bit more spit and shine. They say that buying drugs supports terrorism. There’s truth to that. Mexico is a shithole because of their drug cartels are running the nation on a larger scale than the Italian Mafia did the US in the ’30s. However, no one really cares about the Mexican government, we’ve proven that a few times over. So when they say terrorism they mean that it supports Middle Eastern Terrorism, which relates specifically back to opium, and by relation, heroin sales. That’s it. No other drugs. Sorry. This, however, is another mistruth being presented by another collection of people with different social preferences than others. I don’t know how many anti-pot or cigarette commercials I’ve seen that were so trite and terrible that I felt it was a terrorist attack on my mind. Buy your heroin addict buddy a case of Bud, ask him to stay off the needle for the night, and you’ll have done your part.

No less, this brings it all back to my initial and well concealed point. When a terrorist group finds a means to advertise their philosophy, and a means to fund it at the same time, you have (in this case, intentionally) created a monster. I don’t care how much you care about fluffy or intelligent animals in this context, I personally prefer the company of dogs to most people, and feel that sea mammals are an interesting and bright-minded group worthy of protecting, but despite this: by watching the television show Whale Wars -YOU ARE SUPPORTING TERRORISM.

I mean… am I the only guy who has noticed this? People are watching this show, and cheering on these people who are intentionally disrupting the lives of hard working people who are doing something morally dubious, but legal. This is on the other end of lighting an abortion clinic on fire. The difference here is that bombing an abortion doctor’s car (is there a name for a guy that does that for a living? other than soulless? Sorry, I’m all about your choice and stuff, but doing that for a living has got to be more morbid than being a grave digger) is disrupting the life of a physician who is making an otherwise (other than the bombing and fire and violent protest part of it – these protesters are also terrorists by the way, I’m just putting that out there) comfortable living, in an otherwise safe location. These guys on the whaling boats… I mean, just go watch Deadliest Catch. It simply can’t be that far off. This isn’t an easy job, and it has to be hazardous on a rather exceptional level. Now these unemployed attention whore hipsters have to go and bother them while they’re trying to make a living?

We don't come down to where you work and slap the itchy hemp Jesus Robe out of your bong.

The hipsters can go home to their applauding supporters, and what do the whalers have to go home to? Their hungry families they spent months risking their lives for. Isn’t there a tree these people should be hugging? Did they bring the recipient of their Dendrophilia onto the ship and just hump that tree at night when the cameras are off? Is it like the boat’s town-bicycle-tree? Do they gang-bang the tree at night? It’d be a lot easier, and less sloppy seconds if they just stayed on the shore and humped separate trees the way God intended, and spent their time trying to get laws changed, and not harassing fishermen.