#1: The Overenthusiastic Hand Shaker

It’s the big day! You are finally going to meet the CEO of your company, or the father of your future bride. It is imperative that you make a good impression, as important introductions can also double as big auditions. Your dad taught you what to do: assume a confident posture, smile chummily, and extend your hand for a good, firm…

Wait, what the fuck? “Did he just jump the gun and crush my fingers?” Yes, yes he did. You just failed, sucker,

wait for it... wait for it...

because one of the most prevalent species of scumbag just out-shook you. Oh, I’m sorry, did you want the oldest form of greeting in the world to place you on equal footing with this guy? Then you should have grabbed HIS fingers. Were you under the ridiculous assumption that one should wait until your respective Thenar Spaces meet before clenching your hands in manual embrace (my many scientifically minded readers are encouraged to send me as many emails as it takes to make sure I know I was entirely wrong on that anatomical call)? Turns out, that’s the all-inclusive hippy way to do it. You’re not a communist are you?

When you’re getting drunk this weekend, knock one back for the Overenthusiastic Hand Shaker. He beat you fair and square, because no matter how much he comes across as a scumbag, he made you look like a limp-wristed, fatherless ninny who he will never trust with the Fischer account, let alone his daughter’s vag.