We’re coming up on the 150th anniversary of the publishing of Origin of the Species. To celebrate, “celebrity” and spiritual busy-body Kirk Cameron is showing us that smile once again, and promoting awareness of the classic text by giving out copies of it with a new introduction that compares Darwin to Hitler. That is real class. On Thursday, November 19th he will be handing out one hundred free copies of the defaced Origin at each of the nation’s one hundred top universities.

Now, we can take our cue from Kirk’s chums and hold a massive book burning, but that seems a little impersonal. Besides, if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, we wouldn’t want our scumbaggery to become redundant AND ego-inflating. No, we must take it a step further. If you live near any of these universities, the only thing to do is shake hands with the Left Behind star and offer him a blowjob in the science building’s men’s room. He has not disclosed just which university he will be at personally, so we need a spectacular turnout of grateful homosexuals at each school, just in case. We would not want him to think we did not appreciate it, after all. And what better way to show your love of Jesus than honoring one of his finest soldiers with an extramarital gay beej?