(If the one in purple that’s standing is anything like me, she’s wondering what the rule is about wedgies, and then wondering if there are rules in Lube Wrestling.)

The above picture, via College Humor, is from a company called Wasabi Racing’s… “Car Meet”? Really? How did the people literally going to see cars get tickets for a party featuring this? I see boobs and empty beer cans, not a lot of vehicles. That’s beside the point, of course. I think we all see the opportunity that was missed here. You will never hear of me disparaging a good ole fashioned five-chick Lube Wrestlemania, but if you’re going to take a promotional event so far off the road from your product that lightning striking your store is more likely than getting you audience in there, think about at least working your name into the event. Do I have to spell it out? WASABI WRESTLING, dude! You got the girls ready to maul each other in bikinis for your amusement. Really, how much of a push would be to get them mashing around in eyeball-rending vomit paste? You’d have a good 3 minutes of hysterical retching and hair pulling, tops coming off because exposing their breasts was going to happen anyway, and the priority just switched to getting this Japanese napalm out of their nostrils before they realize what it feels like to have the gunk up their loose twats like beach sand. Either way, keep both hands above the table because this picture is meant to introduce you to a new column Jugularity, for when I amass such a load of unrelated stories about titties I have to blow it all in one shot.

A bad breast decision was made a few days ago in New Orleans, at the Super Bowl victory celebration, which somebody decided to pair up with the first day of Mardi Gras. Were we not sure there was enough to celebrate in either case? It’s like when a kid’s birthday party is for “all the kids having birthdays that month.” Barney told me I was special, but I don’t even get my own cake? I hope you get divorced.

Beads will fly at the Saints’ Super Bowl Victory Parade today, but breasts will not. The celebration is doubling as a kickoff for Mardi Gras… but New Orleans officials are instructing women to keep their bubbies covered during the globally telecast event. Any ladies who let their nips slip face a fine or even jail time.

What do you mean beads will fly? Because the Saints won the Super Bowl, I suddenly have to give my beads away for free? That dog won’t hunt, Jambalaya. If the chicks want to flash on TV, wouldn’t they find a way for at least a portion of the viewers to see them anyway? And do you really want your rickety crutch of a tourist industry gutted of its only draw? That’s so angry I don’t have the patience to mock a real live journalist for using the word “bubbies.” If your word for “breast” and “grandmother” is a homonym, you can just hand in your man card on your way out. Oh, the writer is a chick? They let them do that now? Cute! Well, then in that case, you can hand in your “make out with a chick when you’re drunk and say you never do stuff like that” license.

They're really strict about the one strike policy. Says so on the back.

If neutering one of the funnest places to vacation on Earth makes you so mad you could take a hammer to a sack of kittens, you’re “that kid next door we’ll see in the news one day,” but also you should try something new. Like a holiday in Australia. I mean, with a headline like “Australia Bans Small Boobs In Porn,” you know they got their thinking caps on, right? From The Register:

The proposed Australian Government clampdown on smut just got a whole lot broader, as news emerged of a ban on small breasts and female ejaculation in adult material… Senator Joyce claimed that publications featuring small-breasted women were encouraging paedophilia [still not a cute word because you spell it that way, Brits].

I will take any excuse Australian National Treasure Senator Joyce needs to give the public to ban all but large breasted women from porn without anyone shouting things like “discrimination” and “feminism.” I know we all practiced a drinking chant for if this day ever came to be, but I never thought it would come so I used that space in my mind for more porn storage. Um… “Oi! Tits! Cheers!”

But what does female ejaculation have to do with pedophilia? Nothing, it turns out. It’s just some porn pork, which is not as erotic-bakery as it sounds. They slipped the “get rid of fun stuff because old people that don’t watch porn are offended” bill in with the “don’t get off to underage violation.” It was a devious, chiselin’ weasel move, and I can’t help but admire them, even as my heart breaks for all the gush enthusiasts down under (shove your pun up your ass).

Heh, I am running out of time fast here, so let me just throw this at you real quick. Hope you haven’t finished Steve (I set up hidden cameras when I was baby sitting. Who gives their child to someone like me?) because this one will be your favorite. Kourtney “Not The Babe” Kardashian drinks her own breast milk. Thank you and good night!