(“I don’t know what ‘malcontent’ means, but I do know ‘old coot!’ Come back here and respect your elders, you little sodomite bastards!”)

Just because something is laughable and almost kind of sad doesn’t mean we can’t mock the shit out of it. Like, when your little brother went into his goth phase and tried to kill himself by taking all the Advil, and you called him a pussy as he doubled over in moderate stomach pain. That’s kind of what The Mount Vernon Statement is: the elders of the conservative movement embracing their goth phase. It’s not a joke, and that’s what makes it funny. I have a proposal of how we can show just how youngest-daughter-on-Family-Matters expendable the so-called signers of this strange, contradictory and yet still vague (which is kind of like meta-contradictory) petition are, but first let me give you the very quickest of rundowns so you don’t have to go through the pain of trying to rip the skin off of your face trying to decipher it.

The Mount Vernon Statement (not signed at the first President’s estate because the surviving family members told them to go jump in a wood chipper) is a document, a new Bill of Rights for the Right, that outlines how this small group of geriatrics, headed by Reagan’s proud hater Attorney General, would like to see this country run. It is a letter to Santa on really nice stationery, a wishlist for things like “the central place of individual liberty in American politics and life” and “conservatism’s firm defense of family,” a dicks-out alliance with hypocrisy I wish, as a fiction writer, I could make up. It calls for “a Constitutional conservatism based on first principles…that encourages free enterprise, the individual entrepreneur, and economic reforms grounded in market solutions,” which is shorthand for, “We never actually read the Constitution, or we would know it only mentions commerce once, and that is to allow for governmental interference.” I’m going to stop there. All it amounts to is a bunch of senile diaper-shitters drafting a document saying the darkey has been stealing from them and young women show too much ankle in these immodest times, a geriatric attempt to show they can still play ball with the kids in the equally ridiculous Tea Party youngens. We put those people in homes because nobody loves them anymore, we don’t sign their petitions – -

- – or do we?  Here’s my proposal, and I already did it myself to make sure it works: They left this bad boy online as an open petition on WordPress, so that all who support them may sign, which was very thoughtful of them. I went over there and signed it as Heywood Jablome; admittedly childish, but the more we stoop to their level, the more people will realize where the level is. The whole “drive a truck, dig for oil, plumbers decide national policy, change rapes babies” thing is regrettably catching on, but this one should be easy to put down like Old Yeller. You can go do the same here, and I am generous enough to supply all of you with a list of suggestions below. Fill the shit out of that petition with horrifically offensive names and ruin their day like Alanis when she learned the real meaning of “ironic.” Make sure you use your real email address, though, not only because you have to verify the signing, but also to show you’re a real person who isn’t amused by a bunch of white-hairs calling for a return to traditional values, and naming the document after a fucking slave plantation.

Suggested monikers to use when signing the petition, a gag name cheat sheet Bart Simpson would give his entire stock of orange shirts for, totally free because I love you: Ben Dover, Mike Hunt, Al Coholic (that one’s kind of dumb, don’t use that), Mike Rotch, Paddy O’Furniture (hysterical), Chu Mei (Bond), Fuk Mei (Austin Powers), Mike Oxenhand, Herb Igass, Jack Mehoff (a classic), Seymore Butts, Hugh G. Rection, Stu Pidasso, Hugh Janus… I’m sure you can find a list online. Remember the more adolescent, the more you’ll piss them off. This illiterate grassroots bowel movement may be unstoppable, and the country may be buried under the multiple babies of the ignorant, but we can still pick off the sick and infirm among them. HEY! Maybe one of them will have a heart attack from being scandalized, and the last thing he reads is Hugh Janus. That would be a victory and a half!