(Eh, we should probably just let this one go. He’s going to be real disappointed when he gets out.)

So you say you want something even more stupidly polarizing than the newly announced Ipad release? You’re tired of hearing OS idealists, whose minds will never change, fight like girls, with one side saying, “OMG new Apple product, I hope I don’t piss myself in girlish glee,” and the other saying, “So I can insert my Ipod and my Iphone, how about my Inutsack?” while lewdly grabbing their crotches?* Do you just want to scream, “Then don’t fucking buy it!”? Or, “That sounds like an electronic panty-liner with headphones!”? Well here’s something you can’t avoid, because by law you are required to watch the Super Bowl, and the big game makes everything, even Dominos and beer that tastes like piss, as important as a yearly visit to the gynecologist.

The short of it is, Focus on the Family somehow gathered the 3 mil or so it takes to advertise on CBS during the Super Bowl, and used the opportunity to get Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow and his mom to talk for the duration of the ad about Focus’ pro-life message. Seems Tebow’s mother chose to give her son life in the face of some pretty tough odds, and as a result we have an guy who is over paid to play a game, so abortion is bad.  On the surface, it is a tad annoying that proselytizing is something you’d want to impose during the Super Bowl, but perfectly within the realm of allow-ability. Hey, they came up with the bones, and that seems to be enough for CBS, and therefore should be enough for the hundred bajillion people of all faiths and political ideologies that are going to be drinking heavily and getting really angry and competitive about things they see on television while watching the Super Bowl. Timothy McVeigh says, “Good idea.”

But if it were that easy, everybody could just relax, and we need to keep up our global lead on heart attacks and “having a cow.” The problem, according to the people who want the ad pulled, stems from a lack of precedent — indeed, a standing policy against — among those airing Super Bowls to allow commercial time to any political entity or advocacy group with nothing tangible to sell except their ability to whip their dicks out. They also like to throw around hyperbole and rhetoric like it’s food fight day at Tiger Woods’ sex rehab (I think I just grossed myself out). NARAL Pro-Choice America says:

Focus on the Family has an unmistakable anti-choice, anti-birth-control, anti-sex-education, anti-gay agenda. If that isn’t bad enough, its views on women are just plain insulting and dangerous. For example, its web site urges women facing an unintended pregnancy to seek “wise advice” because “the hormones and extreme emotions of pregnancy make reasonable decisions more difficult.”

Tell us how you really feel, NARAL. You’ve got the demonizing of the other side down pat, right down to the anti-buzzwords. After all “danger” is the number one cause of fear. But to truly be considered Hitler-esque, you should be more specific, like “Fetuses are taking over the banks.” And you might have to kill some bitches, though Christians already have you pegged for that. Oh, and that last bit, while probably a direct quote, was not given proper citation, so context goes the way of last night’s 3 pound burrito. No, you continue to be the spokespeople for that side of the debate. When someone on your side says, “Who died and made you advocate?” just say “Ted Kennedy.”

Read more ridiculousness after the jump.

The people who want the ad to remain in the line-up say the liberal media wants free speech, but only for those who agree with their ideologies. Then they resort to the old trick they used half a decade ago when hunting Commies didn’t really require a license: “If you oppose the airing of this ad, you must be a baby eater.” All those politically against baby cannibalism and Jonathan Swift references have no choice as to where to lay their opinion. Like (and almost as important as) the Solo/Greedo “who shot first” debate, the sides are so deep in their trenches they’re eating Chinese roots for dinner.** What the situation really calls for is a disgustingly polarizing celebrity politician with an admitted aversion to understanding the facts to end this thing once and for all. Enter Sarah Palin, for whom FOX News punditry and cultish fan-fascination does not provide nearly enough celebrity OR polarization, and therefore still rants without the safety net of an editor or “fact-checker” on Facebook. This article is called “Women’s Rights Groups: Your Double Standard is Showing.”

What a ridiculous situation they’re getting themselves into now with their protest of CBS airing a pro-life ad during the upcoming Super Bowl game…  Messages like this empower women! This speaks to the strength and commitment and nurturing spirit within women. The message says everything positive and nothing negative about the power of women – and life. Evidently, some women’s rights groups like NOW [National Organization for Women] do not like that message.

Way to rise above, toots. NOW also hates puppies and rainbows, but she didn’t even touch on that, because she is so fair. As a public figure, she has a responsibility not to feed on the ignorance of the hoipoloi, and she manages that nicely by not straight out calling them “man-loving hanger-jockeys”. She even speaks about the power of women as if she, and the Tebow ad itself, are on the same page as real women’s groups, and not just exalting the strength of one kind of woman while removing the power of another. Fuck, she’s as good as invited to the ’80s-themed glitter pony sleepover, now. They’re practically sisters. And in the following quote, she was kind enough to patronize NOW, inferring the group was capable of good, just as long as it changes its ideological structure, and picks and chooses the women it chooses to empower. Next time, don’t throw them a bone with so much meat on it, they might choke. So of course she has the right to make some demands, after being so Type II inducingly saccharine:

My message to these groups who are inexplicably offended by a pro-woman, pro-child, pro-life message airing during the Super Bowl: please concentrate on empowering women… but don’t let your double standard glare so vividly as to undo some of the good to which you could contribute.

Inexplicably? There are several reasons why the Tebow ad should not be aired, and Palin knows god-damned well they have nothing to do with it being pro-woman, especially since the ad itself is about as pro-woman as a dude who beats his wife for her own good. The biggest reason being that no political advocacy group or individual has traditionally been permitted access to advertising during the Super Bowl. It is a policy that has been enforced against PETA (let this not ring as endorsement!), MoveOn (who are a tad extreme like Michael Jackson is a tad dead), and even some Christian groups who somehow raised enough money to advertise on the super bowl despite all the starving people they claim to want to feed. No precedent of allowing advocacy groups to advertise during the Super Bowl means no Focus on the Family, a politically active group. Making this into a political affair unnecessarily takes a cut-and-dry example of the oversight of rules to a murkier and more retarded place than Susan Boyle’s taint in the Saharan Marathon.

All of this is serving to draw attention away from the real issue, which is: fuck you, dude. Airing this ad during the Super Bowl means it will be taking the place of beer and titties and little financial-wizard man-babies on what is supposed to be a couple hours of the most fun on television each year. They could find another venue, if only to spare us their unattractive guile for the duration of one fucking football game. Besides, it won’t do the group any good if you annoy the crap out of your audience because it was a bad time to do it. I swear when I see that ad, I’ll be fighting the urge not to impregnate someone and then throw her down the stairs just to do the opposite of what they want. Nobody wins in this situation; not the fans, not the pro-choice or pro-life groups. The biggest losers are the women who may just become the elevated statistics involving domestic disputes on Super Bowl Sunday (a debate that remains open for lack of funding), because this supposed pro-family, pro-women empowerment group spent all their money putting a college football player’s mom on TV during the Super Bowl. In her opinion piece, Palin asks that those opposing the airing of the ad pick their battles, and to her credit, seems to genuinely not be aware of the hypocrisy. It’s like Michael Jackson asking a child to please not pee on him, while he pees on the kid. And gloats, mocking him for not thinking of doing something so unethical first. There is a time and a place, and it is not while I’m watching big dudes hurt each other and cheerleaders in skimpy outfits bounce around my TV.

However, I will personally send a thank you note to the group if they air it over The Overrated Who Halftime Show.

*Thanks for the joke, Mick.
**That simile is only half effective. The only thing you’ll find on the other side of a planet in Star Wars is more of the same shit you saw on your side, mostly because George Lucas is a hack. Hey, George! In the sequel trilogy Avatar’s success forced you into, why don’t you send your Jedi to a Creative Writing Night School Planet? You can call it Headoutofyourass.