It has been announced Sarah Palin will appear on Oprah this month to promote her new book. This should be fun. In one room, the two most likely and least qualified candidates to be a female President of the United States in the next decade or so will meet. To circle each other all primal for an hour or so, sizing each other up, determining each other’s fertility to see who will become matriarch of the pack. Hyenas, that is what I’m calling them, just to be clear.

I imagine Oprah will curse the book with her stamp of approval, which guarantees Her name will be bigger than the author’s, and therefore more important to its production. Sure it will sell more copies, but only to the kind of person that watches Oprah and reads what She tells them. On the other hand, that is about the level of intelligence that takes Sarah Palin seriously, so maybe this is just one big excuse for unattractive middle aged women to gather in a Jonestown sized mob and masturbate each other. In other words, maybe it’s not news. If we’re lucky, Hillary Clinton will make an unscheduled appearance and do this:

Not for nothing, I feel this needs to be touched on. Sarah Palin’s particular brand of Christianity focuses, among other terrifying and stupid things like speaking in tongues, on dispensation: man’s dominance over the world and potential to end it. That is the end goal: end the world, so that true believers get themselves saved ASAP. They have very real ideas on how that might be accomplished, and those just happen to focus on the Middle East. As President, her religious convictions will demand that she use her considerable new power, not only to use up natural resources because the end is near and it does not matter, but to END THE FUCKING WORLD. It doesn’t matter if you believe her theology or not, your President is trying to end the world! When a President gets it in her head to do that, she will probably succeed. The best you can hope for is that she quits halfway through her commitment, because something better came along like dictator of the universe. At least there’s precedent for that. So, go ahead and endorse her book, Oprah. America, seriously, I don’t get political a lot, that is for smarter people. But if you elect her, buy them peanuts and Cracker Jacks, cuz you just bought a ticket to the greatest show on Earth.