(And they all lived happily ever after in their comfortable little Christian allegory. That is, until a door to Narnia opened in a barn in Zimbabwe…)

For those of you who don’t dig on evolution, it’s cool, we’ve only been shown science putting the gifts under the tree at the pace of science, so you probably have a few years of petulant non-belief left. In the meantime, this story will go a ways in convincing you. Seems a lamb was c-section still-born in a village in Turkey with — get this — a Human face. Rock. And. Roll. Veterinarians are saying that the whole thing is a misunderstanding, the result of an “improper mutation” due to an abundance of vitamin A in the mother. Sure, that’s reasonable, probably “scientifically accurate” but my theory on what we have here is some – -

The governor of the province where the ugly goat was born [in a similar case in Zimbabwe] said that the little goat was the fruit of unnatural relationship between the female goat and a man… “This is evident (sic) that an adult human being was responsible. Evil powers caused this person to lose self control. We often hear cases of human beings who commit bestiality but this is the first time for such an act to produce a product with human features…”

Wow. That guy beat me to it. I… guess I don’t have a joke for this one. I can’t tell if it raises or lowers the comedy level when the governor of the province the abomination is born in immediately assumes that his people are banging livestock left and right, and the inevitable finally happened. Put in non-hoodoo language, this means evolution kicked in on all the barnyard rapin’ in that part of the world, said, “Fuck it, you’re going to

What's up, nuckas?

insist on dumping your spunk in these things so much, they might as well adapt to use it,” and the first Human/animal affront to nature was born.

It also means that some of the more sticky ethical questions we’ve been avoiding for the last century will inevitably have to be visited. For instance, if we’re going to continue fucking sheep after this new revelation, we should probably start using protection. And if we do, is it unethical to use a lambskin condom? For all you know, that’s your little boy you’re wrapping your pecker up with there. That’s all not to mention the feelings of the female who is apparently capable of bearing your child, and might not take kindly to a plowing with a Buchenwald phallus. Have you rubbed her hooves lately? She’s had a hard day.

The mutant baby born with a human-like head stayed alive for several hours until the frightened village residents killed him… and biologists had no chance to study the rare mutation.

No! I was going to name him Mr. Tumnus! You mean the thing could have lived, for biologists to study, or better yet, touring the world with a bearded lady and the world’s smallest man? At least let the thing live and see what it does! Try to toilet train it, or serve it curried goat. Or better yet, mate it to a Zebra and see what pops out. Who is letting these short-sighted, murderous villagers in, anyway? You know how easy it is to spook those guys. They have the Ghostbusters on speed dial in case one of those demon-possessed horseless carriages passes by on Safari. When something like this happens, shouldn’t your first call be to Dial-a-Bouncer? “Yes, you can come see the freak of nature. Cameras are allowed [joke, they don't have cameras], but you’ll have to leave your pitchforks and torches outside.” Next time Darwin decides to play a little joke from beyond the grave, he should do it in a civilized place like America, where we’ll preserve it as a visitation by Jesus, or at least Rocky Dennis.