(Listen to the Klingon dressed as a Merry Man. There is no way you are as miserable as he is.)

This country needs an enema from a jack hammer. The big story circulating seems to be that Cameron’s alien world in Avatar is so beautiful, so real, that people are getting serious cases of depression because they will never be able to experience it. The fan sites and discussion forums online have been experiencing space issues because people want to talk about their feelings, like this dude known only as Mike:

“Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,” Mike posted. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ “

Go for it, Mike. If we have the choice between watching you prance around next Halloween in nothing but blue makeup as a Na’vi, or finding your bloated, lonely corpse in your mother’s bathtub tomorrow, I think the world will choose the latter, with enthusiasm.

You think we all haven’t felt that way about popular culture phenomina? That it would be pretty bitchin’ if furry, cat eating, poorly veiled cunnilingus euphemisms fell from the sky to be your trouble-making best friend? Or that we weren’t stoicly aware of the fact that the finely-tuned socialist utopia portrayed in Star Trek is an impossibility considering the childishness and avarice our race constantly portrays? We didn’t whip out the razor blades, and those fantasies were based in compelling story and philosophical concepts. Or at least light-hearted comedy. Avatar, for all its success, is nothing but a retelling of the same old garbage indigenous

would never happen, right? Because the kid is smarter than you. Oh, and he has a friend.

peoples story, albeit with some pretty fantastic visuals. And for all the beauty of the noble Indians Na’vi, they still needed a white guy to come in and clean everything up for them. If you can’t get emotional over something with substance rather than the creator of Titanic’s pretty green and blue acid-trip, then yeah, invest in a set of really expensive ritual Sepukku knives, and rid us of your blubbering, obtuse, emo face. Survival of the fittest says you were either going to drag us all down into fat loserdom with you, or one of us was going to kill you.

And because we’re not allowed to say those things, the only thing to be done was to acknowledge the phenominon as a real actual disease, and not some “voluntary” lone-wolf’s excuse to not have to deal with real life. They set up online support groups of people who can empathize, but for some reason weren’t paralyzed by depression because they had to go to work and couldn’t play Little Mermaid all day:

Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like playing “Avatar” video games or downloading the movie soundtrack…

Yes, you should definitely immerse yourself deeper into your fantasy. You should definitely not get a girlfriend or anything. I thought the internet was supposed to be a place where I could escape people telling me their uncomfortable, icky feelings. Hug it out with your mom or some Hagen Daz, then watch a friggin comedy until you’re off your period. The world, even the internet one, has better things to do than coddle your defective ass.