… and Monday morning quarterbacking is a Scumbag’s unalienable right.

(A young girl, ready to kick ass in the name of justice and Shiva, her hopes soon to be dashed against the rocks by her idiot parents.)

After a 27-hour operation and some physical therapy, little Indian girl Lakshmi Tatma, the girl born with eight arms and legs, is going to school with the right amount of appendages and a weird looking waist. This is a really good example of how most parents lie when they say they love their kids. Sure, before the operation she couldn’t sit or stand, but if you’re going to throw all that money and effort into physical therapy, why not raise her as a real-live super hero? Most 5 year-olds would cut off their own ears with a plastic knife from Wendy’s for a super-power as cool as that, and if their super power was super hearing, well, Darwin awards, right?

Her totally abusive and selfish mom Poonam, who will wear a hole to her ribcage if she pats herself on the back any more for using other people’s money to cure her daughter of Awesome’s Disease,  says, “I often try to think what she might be like today if she hadn’t had the operation – she couldn’t even sit up before and now she runs around like other children.” The answer is: tying the other children up with her Spider-Hindu webbing, claiming their seed to make young, and their milk money to drink milk, you bitch. I imagine the webbing comes with the package. I’m going on film cannon here, of course. Now all she has to look forward to is a life of unmarried, loveless, hamburger-less loneliness because you tried to make her just like all the other kids and failed by a wide margin.

“Born in a dusty farming village in India’s poorest state, Lakshmi was revered as a deity and worshipped (sic) from birth. Villagers… would seek her blessing daily and leave gifts at her bedside.”

… If ever there was evidence of the need for parenting licenses in this world, I think this case is it. This chick got

I fucking dare you to tell me kids wouldn't buy this t-shirt.

all kinds of lucky when she was born a monster. I didn’t know they gave you presents for that. After she spent her childhood doling out blessings for Lamborghinis, she could have had a full, illustrious life trying to slay Sean Astin and the kids from It. If this had happened in Africa, they would have burned her alive as a demon, or assumed her mother had sex with a fucking octopus, and sentenced her to more octopus raping, and then a lashing for getting pregnant. Hell, even in Europe the village people would hunt her down with torches. Man did Poonam drop the customer service call from fate on this one.

“Born to impoverished parents in the frequently lawless state of Bihar, in India’s volatile northeast, Lakshmi faced an uncertain future until a wealthy doctor heard of her plight and offered to operate on her for free.”

Man, that is straight out of a fucking comic book. Replace “Bihar” with “Gotham City” and “operate for free” with “Alfred” and this chick could go through her rebellious teenage years with enough time to come back and take revenge on the doctor that murdered her deadly, parasitic Siamese twin. The drama, the suspense, the bowel-rending irony. Instead we get this:

She loves playing cricket with her [under-attended future serial killer] older brother, has a tendency to boss around her newfound (sic) friends and remains firmly a daddy’s girl.

I’m sure her new-found friends find that adorable, not to mention her older brother, who probably has to let her win every game because she’s both a cripple and a deity. Her brother that spent his childhood making his own lunches and playing by himself and never winning a cow-damned game of cricket because his little sister was “special.” He may just be skinning cats in the shed now, but that little bastard is going to grow up. When he goes batshit on the Indian countryside, Poonam is going to regret taking away four of her daughter’s legs, leaving nobody alive to stop him.