Kids! Kids, look! This is what we call a metaphor. In this case, Tobey Maguire feasting on the leavings of the American inability to distinguish a decent film from literal shit!
The fowl are slaughtered and consumed en masse, the uncles have been bawled out, the pregnant sisters called NDS‘s by surprisingly streetwise grandmothers… and oh, the wonderful jingle of the cheeks and jaws of exhausted mothers – desperate to give their ungrateful get an Xmas they won’t get beat up for at school – shattered like glass by other mothers desperate to fork over their last dollars to the doll maker with the most hypnotic television ad, and just in it to win it. Only thing left to do is sit back, heft your gut, wait for real football to start on Sunday, and look back on the most batshit, scumbaggiest Thanksgiving holiday in recent memory!
1. Thank you, may I have another?
We at SBS are thankful that we did not join in the chorus of sobbing for Rihanna a couple of years ago when she had the Deuces kicked out of her in her car, because she clearly digs it, and minding our own business is what we do best here.
After wrapping up a whirlwind tour for her new album, “Unapologetic,” Rihanna celebrated Thanksgiving with her on again, off again beau, Chris Brown after his “Cape Diem” tour in Germany, according to Perez Hilton. (A second source, because Perez Hilton doesn’t deserve traffic. Seriously, this writer, who was lazy enough to use the term ‘whirlwind’ to describe a pop tour, is a better journalist than that guy.)
Pictured: love taps
We can think of a few things Rihanna could be apologetic about. Like, using up all that cop equipment to take pictures of her face, reduced to bloody, wet brown sugar paste, when she was going to get back with Chris Brown anyway. Like taking up space on supposed news outlets, generating public sympathy for a beating she obviously enjoyed. We mean, shit, do what you want. We think it would be hilarious if you went on the Kids’ Choice Awards this year with your new hit “I Had It Coming (Go And Bang Super Models For A While Until I Am Pretty Enough For You Again) feat. Bobby Brown.” Because saying, ‘I didn’t ask to be a role model’ only works before they pour gak over you in an auditorium of a few thousand screaming, impressionable girls.
2. Flag Burning
And then… and then I told him he had to put on a dress and serve us all absinthe.
Those of us not hanging with family were able to devote our full attention to the annual Thanksgiving game in Detroit, and were treated to an exhibition of one of the NFL’s fabled go-fuck-yourself-sportmanship, referee-tug-job-with-extra-gravy rules. For those of you not versed in the intricacies of the NFL (Torrie), a year or two back, a rule was instituted in which all scoring and turnover plays are automatically reviewed. Seemed logical, but what they didn’t tell us fans (in such a loud voice) is that, should a coach so much as look at a ref sideways before said review, the refs have the right to give them the finger, not review the play, slap that coach with an “unsportsmanlike” penalty, and gang fuck his wife at midfield on the halftime show.
So when Houston’s Justin Forsett was tackled, and the refs were all circle-jerking and forgot to do their most common, baseline job and blow the damned whistle to end the play, Forsett got up and ran in for the touchdown while Detroit’s entire defense stood looking around like someone had thrown their car keys on the roof of the garage. Detroit coach Jim Schwartz threw his challenge flag, because seriously, what the fuck, man? which is a coach’s subtle way of saying the refs are fucktards, so the bullshit, game winning touchdown couldn’t be reviewed and stood. Everyone expected the Lions to lose this one, but:
(you can get it explained less colorfully here)
3. Sarah Palin’s Turkey Death Camp
We are pretty much over getting angry about Sarah Palin over here. It was one thing when she was an elderly tyrannosaur’s heartbeat away from hunting poor people from helicopters, but now she is literally nothing, and holds sway over no man. Except, inexplicably, Wyclef, who thinks she’s “rad,” which explains a lot about his run for president of Haiti, but nothing about his suddenly alarming large presence in my record collection.
Not the point. Point is, once you can stop being angry with something, mockery is readily available. Here’s the hockey mom with a tour bus spouting some of her trademark inexplicabilities concerning what she thinks she knows about people, but this time at an all-American, outdoor abattoir.
Yes, our values *buzzzz, gobble gobble NOOOO!* traditions and *decapitation, carnage* government get out of our way *death, neck blood* the current administration *this is where your food comes from* spending is bad and *you can’t write this kind of metaphor*. We personally love the executioner, shoving these poor bastards in head first, then turning to look at the celebrity politician quizzically as she sips her Starbucks in the most comically chosen shot location since Nico Tortorella in Scream 4.
4. Who leaked this to the press? WHY?
An exercise we’re pretty comfortable comparing to our fat uncle leaving one shrimp on the platter after loading his plate. They can’t all be Hitler jokes, you know.
The ridiculous but amusing farcical tradition of the president pardoning a Turkey took a dark turn just before Thanksgiving, when Peace, the understudy turkey Obama graciously extended his usually stingy pardons to last year, was euthanized, presumably with cranberry sauce and bland whipped potatoes.
An official insisted the timing of the death – days before the Thanksgiving holiday – was not suspicious. (ABC)
Well now it bloody well is! Apparently, a pardon from the president is about as good as the party store napkin it’s written on. Apparently, it was sick. Yeah, sick of not being the centerpiece of a gluttonous celebration of the Native American genocide reenacted on its unfortunate species every year on our tables! Sick of not being slathered in Betty Crocker jarred Gravy n’ Hereditary Guilt! We can just imagine the White House press secretary running around all sweaty and disheveled demanding to know who leaked it, because heads are gonna roll, and it’s not going to be mine, goddammit! Well, Peace’s, too, obviously. Her head rolled…
5. BONUS BLACK FRIDAY SCUMBAGGERY: Be a dick, brandish a gun, and get a gift card!
… and one of those Kenmore washers. No, the nice one, where my wife doesn’t have to push any buttons.
Salame was [within his rights], released from police custody and asked to leave the store with the rest of his family. A manager gave him a store voucher, the report says. “We’re glad the incident was resolved peacefully,” said Sears spokeswoman Kim Freely. “The safety of our customers and associates are our No. 1 priority.” (my san antonio)
