Propaganda is the most important human invention outside of the ole painter’s radio. Propaganda is what got lazy women off their stoves and do some real work starting in the 1940s. Propaganda is what stopped you from buying that iPhone, even if it wasn’t the propaganda about your being a pro-slavery twat weasel for even considering owning one. But sometimes propaganda can get so caught up in the message that it forgets the message reads like it was written by Trigg Palin mid-attempted shame drowning. And speaking of Trigg, no issue has more idiot rhetoric than that which Sarah wishes could have seen more play when the time came: abortion.

We aren’t even taking sides on this one. Not because we aren’t combative pricks who think it would be fun to watch the world burn. Not even because sometimes people we agree with can get carried away with the fervor of simian poo hucking intelligent debate and say something a little dumb. No, we aren’t taking sides in the pro-life/pro-choice debate because we believe in instituting one mandatory abortion per breeding capable couple. And make it a federal law, ladies. We don’t want any of this individual states backing out crap like in Vermont where they made it illegal to shoot suspected Nickelback fans. Anyway, here are some of the memes we’ve seen floating around that aren’t quite making the points they think they are.

What the shit do you think is making this pregnancy a crisis? It isn’t the rather sudden, unplanned choice between prohibition-for-one and drinking like a recently divorced flounder until this parasite curls up and throws in the afterbirth. It’s the goddamned baby, and what a pain in the ass heap of trouble it’s going to be. So unless you want to cock the shotgun and pump a 16 year old girl’s folks full of crisis resolution, this itsy-bitsy crisis is coming down the spout early. Unless you want to get a nursing degree and pay for it working down at The Dancing Bare for the little lady, hand over the coat hanger and stfu.

Duh. Apes don’t have the manual dexterity to screw in a light bulb, let alone perform a delicate operation like an abortion. And we don’t even let them inside a Planned Parenthood, let alone become doctors, so there. I mean, I guess an ape is capable of throwing his daughter down the stairs, but most of them can’t afford two story houses, so I don’t know how we can even begin to put together a reliable study.

In case you were wondering who the ultimate poster boy for violent, brown skinned extremism pictured here was, they have provided a rather handy caption. Also, if you didn’t know what pro-life was, the definition is in there. Somebody wasn’t paying by the letter. Look, your execution was pretty solid: you have to talk slow and use a lot of captioned pictures when dealing with folks in the Bible Belt, but this isn’t going to help your cause, guys. What’s being said here? Bin Laden also seems to be a rather avid beard enthusiast. Are all men with power beards pro-life (and opposed to abortion, because those are two different things)? Or are they… terrorists? See, your argument still has to hold up after more than 10 seconds of thought, even when it is on a billboard.

Whoa, nelly! If you think putting tape over your mouth is going to protect you from a uterus scraping, you know less about a woman’s orifices than Marcus Bachmann. I mean, seriously dude, ask your mom to give you the talk, because you are way too old to be imagining the possibility of ralphing up an infant on prom night (though you are not going to like the truth by comparison). Seriously, your Alabama public school health teacher screwed the pooch on this one.

This is the most recent thing one of our dyslexic Facebook friends fired off into the ether before their morning Redbull and bleach smoothie, and I’ve got to say, it’s a favorite. You know how some kids play connect the dots wrong – like, they don’t go in numerical order, either because they want to be little assholes, or they got hit by a car and now they have to go to special school? That’s what’s happening here. Seriously, it’s like someone shot one of those Planned Parenthood protesters with an alligator tranquilizer dart, and they started making ridiculous sentences out of the twelve words they know. Then one of her ridiculous friends heard it, and thought to himself, “Not only does this sound like truth, it is an excellent argument against abortion.” Except it isn’t. It has nothing to do with abortion! It doesn’t even really mean anything. But it doesn’t matter, because sense making is no longer what Facebook is for. You just sling literal bullshit into the air, and see who is dumb enough to look up with his eyes closed and his mouth open. And then you pat yourself on the back for getting some illiterate, bored housewife to ‘share’ the product of your mush brain after three hours of porn and a half hour of thinking about Jaysus. Kill yourself.

Uck. Now I can’t think of anything but the inside of your twat, and ugly and severe is not my type. You suck at sloganeering. Also, pussy slang is for dudes, lady. It’s just weird when chicks refer to their clams without the accepted scientific nomenclature. Sausage wallet.

… and now you have an awesome comic book black hole baby. Probably has cool powers and stuff. Man, people need to stop bitching when the come home from the infant store with upgrades. Frankly, we are more interested in this National Association of Needed Information. I have scanned this thing like a hundred times, and have found nothing anybody outside of this man’s immediate family needed to know. Maybe your girlfriend got her tainted womb to a clinic post haste because she didn’t want her kid to grow up with a chubby man-child with no sense of self-worth for a father, that still lets his mom dress him and hasn’t changed his hair style since he was seven. The only message I got from this is that abortion is an entirely acceptable way to save your potential spawn from embarrassment later on.

I heard there’s this one thing – - this thing that’s the equivalent of forcing a microwave through a garden hose – - that hurts women pretty bad. A lot of times, I hear, they have to slice open her grundle just to make it work, because all the vaginal tearing, while extensive, just doesn’t cut it. Add to that the mortification of uncontrollably shitting in the lap of a person with an M.D. in front of your sexual partner, after 5 odd months of constipation and hemorrhoids the size of lemons, and I’m not sure your comparison to an outpatient tickle really cuts the mustard there, chief.

… but childbirth tears her vagina apart, almost irreparably. Seriously, you can kegel it up all you want, strap all the weights in the world up in there, but nothing heals the PTSD of the equivalent of a grenade going off in your once pristine center of your womanhood.

Nope. Too many words. We only have so many Facebook hours in a day, friend. It’s a meme, not a masters thesis. Who are you trying to convince here? The religious right? They don’t even read their own book. You’re just dribbling jizz on a cracker for people who already think like you to eat. We actually read things here, and we were like, “Next!” We’re going to need a meal and a nap after trudging through that desert of words and names.

See, as a recent kid, all I am getting from this is that abortion = more for me. Trust me, the toys will be played with – - well, maybe not the toy soldier. And apparently the toys are playing with the kids, which… feels creepy no matter how you read it. Whatever, point is, the toys will be just fine, and will actually have other toys to pal around with in this weird reality you have concocted with sentient toys. Wait, you know Toy Story wasn’t a documentary right?

Just like Vanessa Williams’ pussy hound boyfriend, we saved the most irretrievably ridiculous for last. We know this is the dumbest, because of the frequency it showed up in our news feed. When so many people fire off fucknuttery on Facebook, you know it has to be ridiculous. We don’t have the digits on our hands and feet to enumerate the many ways this is completely retarded. A single living cell found on another planet would be fucking incredible, whereas fat rednecks and dopey teens knocking up their girlfriends is a fucking minutely occurrence. No, overpopulation isn’t the massive problem it is made out to be by some, but for the love of Kaiser Wilhelm the Horny, we don’t want more of you! You suck!  And as it stands, that alien life is thriving on its own, without any help. It is a self-sustaining, single celled organism, and very likely a key element in the beginning of millions of years of evolution that will spawn more complicated and fascinating sentient organisms. Your kid will more than likely turn into a fat, lazy, selfish toddler that will languish in a call center his entire life until the diabetes takes his foot, his wife takes his kids, and a shotgun takes the top of his skull off when he can’t fucking take it anymore. Oh, and right now, it is an unfeeling, unknowing cell that (yes, is life, nobody is disputing that, but) can’t live on its own, and wouldn’t care to if it did.

The point is not that your little bundle of parasite isn’t special (it absolutely isn’t, but that isn’t the point), it’s that you can’t make a point to support your beliefs without shooting yourself in the foot. And you can’t do that because your brain doesn’t function at that high a level, the level where the rest of us generally decide cause and effect, truth and consequence, basic argument skills. It is nothing to be ashamed of: the world needs fucking janitors. But stop trying to throw your hat into rings when all you’ve got is a plaid, vajazzled trucker cap.