In doing the “research” for our last article (here), I ran across what I assumed was another drop in the fathomless diarrhea ocean that is public opinion polls run by private citizens on the internet. The “issue” at hand? “Should Sagging Your Pants Be Illegal?”At first, my answer was yes, if only to shut up those self-satisfied schmucks who think they are the only one in the universe who knows the origin of the style. “You know, the trend started in prison where men would advertise their availability for sex.” Shut up! I know! Everybody knows! Even most of the people who wear their pants that way know it.* God, you’re like those people who say, “Let there be light,” every time someone hits a friggin’ light switch. Or like hot chicks on dating sites that will never answer your PMs…
Upon further reflection (less than 3 seconds, I have a brain), I realized it was the dumbest proposition since sour cream in vending machines. But for the sake of pretending to care what other people think, I gave the justifications of the 22% (!) of respondents that said that baggy pants should be made illegal (I was pleased to see that nobody that identified as atheist answered ‘yes’) a perusal.
Deep007: “Its disgusting ..and therefor INDECENT…lock em up and horsewhip em”
POWERSHAKER: “Ohhhh! You mean that thug look? Yep! It should definitely be illegal, because only punks wear their jeans like that if you ask me.”
nothingbutthetruth: “That kind of dressing is disgusting! Why don’t they design pants with the butt part cut out them.”
Godess of RaNdOmNeSs: “its very awkward!!!! i once saw a guy with his pants LITERALY at his knees…………no joke ………..he had batman boxers?!”
Yes, but what size was his dick? If you don’t know the answer to that, then how can it be illegal? Are you just taking out your frustration at not being able to identify the Batman symbol on people generally minding their own business?
The only reason anybody has for criminalizing pants is aesthetic. That is, people are dressing in a manner differently from them, and they think it is a little ugly, so forced conformity is the only answer. Some call it disrespectful. How? Disrespectful because you can’t pull it off?
Also, take a look at those shorts. Color- or design-wise, are they any different from a pair of madras shorts from the Old Navy? In fact, I think this fellow is wearing too much clothing. Maybe if your unreasonable societal standards didn’t smother him, he wouldn’t be forced to air out a layer on the hot summer city streets.
Frankly, I like being able to immediately tell who the idiots are as I walk down the street. Imagine if every time a guy picked your daughter up for a date, he voluntarily wore a tee shirt that said, “I am likely to physically abuse your daughter, and for that matter don’t have much in the way of future economic prospects.” That’s what saggy pants give all of us normies. If everybody dressed like everyone else, who would we point and laugh at. Fat people? Because I think we may be outnumbered sooner or later on that front.
The point is, you can’t just criminalize things because you don’t like to look at them. If that were true, all of these things would be strictly illegal:
Why does a hypothetical by some deranged netizen with nothing better to do warrant a turn on Scumbag Style. Because apparently, it isn’t just a hypothetical. Last year, real actual lawmakers across the country started passing real actual laws banning baggy pants. For real. Actually. Laws that include fines of 200 to 500 dead presidents and up to a fucking year in jail. For not knowing how to operate a belt. Here’s a completely real thing from Flint, Michigan:
It’s a good thing our cops have unlimited budgets and resources to bust kids for not going out of their way to wear an extra layer to ensure their sense of style does not interfere with existing indecency laws.
Next on the chopping block: dancing. And we all know what that leads to. That’s right. Kevin Bacons infecting our barns.
Since polls on blogs aren’t useless at all, what do you think? Should baggy pants be illegal? Or are you not retarded?
*Update: Turns out it’s bullshit, anyway. Alert reader Mike fired over the Snopes account, which is generally considered far more trustworthy than your average white person looking to call someone a faggot. Thanks Mike!