Western Christians refuse to admit it, but the idiot aphorism spouted relentlessly by bumper-sticker retards concerning atheists in foxholes has been thoroughly debunked, and they know it. So they have to come up with something else you can’t do as an atheist – - besides, of course, keep a straight face in church. A friend told me his cousin did it once, but it smacks of the whole “pink sock” story that everyone has a friend who knows somebody to whom it has happened.

Anyway, the meaningless drivel void needed filling, and the new article “No Nurse Is an Atheist” is just the caulk to do it. Author Christina Feist-Heilmeier, RN, a thirty-plus year veteran of nursing (if you’re so smart, how come you never became a doctor, huh?), posits that it is impossible to be an atheist and a nurse at the same time. Kind of like chewing gum and doing your mom from behind. Christina Hyphenation says she has known hundreds of nurses, and not one of them has been an atheist.

Perhaps it is because they’re scared shitless she’d have them killed to maintain her wildly unrealistic philosophy. Perhaps it is because she lives in Utah or Arkansas. Perhaps she’s one of those assholes that hands out fliers and tries to ‘save’ all those who don’t believe as she does, and nobody bothers discussing it with her. Speaking of which, who do you suggest a nurse pray to when she can’t find a vein, or accidentally put turkey gravy in the IV drip? (as if he didn’t smell the pew polish all over this…)

Nurses from any faith do better for themselves and for their patients by actively practicing their faith. The Muslim nurse strives to be a better Muslim. The Hindu nurse strives to be a better Hindu, etc.

Aw. That statement was so ingratiatingly accepting of brown people it could only have come from a Christian. Let me brush my teeth before they fall out, you’re so adorably progressive. “They’ll burn in hell, of course, but at least they are doing God’s work up here before they do.” That is the most loaded ‘etc.’ I have heard since Rush Limbaugh went to KFC and said, “I’ll have a salad, some corn, etc.” That ‘etc.’ means, “… but the Christian nurse has Jesus guiding her hand, so they generally save more lives. But God bless ‘em they try.” Go drink out of a bedpan, nutso.

By far, my greatest role model has been Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

There you go. ‘Nuff said. Scumbag Style has covered this topic extensively already, but suffice it to say, Mother Teresa was the definition of a cunt: a sadist of epic proportions, an embezzler of charity money, and a friend of many fascist regimes. Christina the nurse is right when she says, “Her international impact continues across the world, even after her death, through the tremendous work of her Sisters of Charity,” but not in the way she imagines. If you’ve been paying attention at all, you know most of this, so I won’t say any more, except to include a personal aside.

I automatically hate you if you say, “Mother Teresa of Calcutta.” As opposed to the other internationally famous celebrity nun named Teresa? We know, butt munch. The Vatican used all your charity money to pimp her to the world, along with all the stupid lies you seem to have absorbed about her. I promise, there will never be confusion if you abbreviate the name. I don’t know what the deal is here, but whatever reason these people have for tacking on the suffix ‘of Calcutta,’ have to have some ulterior motive. It may just be some chivalric pomposity, or maybe it is a placeholder for her real, unpronounceable, Indian name. Don’t worry, just because you gave her a white name for ease of the white man’s digestion, we know she was just some Mexican or whatever.

Of course, then the question has to be asked: Why disabuse these people of the lie? If you want to make the fictional Mother Teresa – the caring, selfless, nurturing, uber-nurse – your hero, well shit, there’re worse things. Captain Picard is no less a hero of mine because he is fictional – - I want to be just like him. Maybe, in our quest for ultimate truth, we miss the power of the lie. Like letting the Occupy protesters be when they imagined their Guy Fawkes masks stood for revolution and freedom and not the oppressive Catholic monarchy he actually advocated. It’s not like it’s a train we can stop, anyway, the PR is just too good. If it weren’t for all the poor sons and daughters of bitches suffering and dying needlessly in Missionaries of Charity death camps in the name of the Mother Teresa mythos, we could just chalk this up as the least odious product of revisionist history. Man, poor people can be such a pain in the ass.

Unless a nurse has a good system of coping and renewal, the emotional well-being is very much at stake.

She means going to church, by the way, not picking up a hooker on the way home from Yoga. There’s nothing so invigorating and refreshing than cramping up the knees on those dubiously padded wooden things in front of the pew.

The caring can be universal amongst many religions when everyone’s humanity and dignity are the goal.

Gosh, then I’d better get me some religion. You say any one will do? (Well, most, obviously. Everyone knows Unitarians don’t have hearts.) So, I can just choose one, and be a better nurse? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of religion? I mean, you have to believe, as a Christian, that the prayers of the Hindu nurse fall on deaf ears, right? Or does God just rake ‘em all up in one big prayer pile and listen to them all? Couldn’t I just concern myself with everyone’s humanity and dignity without resorting to mythology? My goodness, how do you wrap your mind around it all? All I know is, I love when theists talk about human dignity.

Are you done, lady? Good, because we have some retorts. Going to hang out for this?

First a statistic. Infobarrel says Sweden is the most atheist country in the world, and Japan as the fifth most. Meanwhile, a Newsweek study finds Sweden to have the 3rd best quality healthcare on the planet (Japan is #1), and the United States (highly religious) to rank 26th, tied with the Czech Republic and friggin’ Chile.  Give the chart a quick looksee. You’ll find the most religious nations stacked like dead cheerleaders at the bottom.

In a predominantly atheist country, I’m going to go ahead and doubt they scoured the countryside for the dissenters to give sponge baths. Since the quality of healthcare in Sweden is considerably higher than yours, I’d put drinking money on their atheist nurses being better than you and Jesus.

There’s an excellent rebuttal, on the same nursing website, by an Air Force Captain who has the thankless job of filling the hole where there are supposedly both no atheists in foxholes or in the nursing profession. It’s wonderful and concise, and you should read it, but his closing remark is priceless:  “We atheists will fill in on Sunday morning if religious believers can at least respect us as fellow nurses.”

I leave you to study his work alone, because I wanted to show you something a little more personal. A very great friend of mine, an atheist and a nurse, had this to say:

I would say that as a nurse and an atheist that I am still able to support my patients’ spiritual health, and I view it as part of their care and recovery because I believe in holistic care. That is to say, I treat a patient’s mind, body, and spirit. It is not for me to judge a person’s belief system although I find mine constantly under scrutiny. I do not feel it is necessary for me to believe in God to understand the concept of faith. I have faith in many things one of them being myself and my abilities to take care of people. I do agree that nurses are subject to burn out and do need an outlet. For some nurses that is their faith. It is not easy to be surrounded everyday by the sick, and it is never easy to lose a patient. So some nurses may find comfort in that by believing those patients are in a better place. I also believe they are in a better place because there is no more illness for them or pain. I am also committed to having healthy outlets for my on the job stress and strain, and while my outlets may not be praying or going to church it does not mean that they are any less effective. I believe that open communication about my feelings, exercise, good nutrition, reading books I love, and being open to asking for help when I need it will keep me sane in this hectic career I have chosen for myself. Above all will be the fact that I love and am so proud to be a nurse.

Watch out, she’s probably lacing the IV with liquefied baby, a la The Matrix, so you have no choice but to be an atheist when you get better.