(In his game this week against the Patriots, Tebow threw for 136 yrds, hence the Biblical title. It was enough to get him a mere trouncing and just shy of getting the holy shit kicked out of him. Christians will contend that numbers only apply to Bible verses when they say so.)

You guys, you guys. Either Jesus told Tebow to go screw himself this week or the inimitable New England Patriots are too awesome for God to handle. Perhaps both.  What we do know is that Tim Tebow was soundly Old Yellered by history’s greatest QB. But that’s not the wacky part!

Take a look at Tom Brady’s stats for this week’s Divisional Playoff game against The Broncos, Tim Tebow, and the pantheon of saints (not those Saints, dummy), angels, archangels, and lesser minions of God.

If you take his Completion % and multiply it by his AVG, then subtract  his total yards, then add his QB rating for the game, then add his TDs and (just to be fair) subtract one for his interception…

Guess. Just guess. Or do the math, but that would be stupid because I’m going to tell you.

596.* *

That is the very page Dumbledore died on in The Half-Blood Prince! (If that was a spoiler for you, well then maybe it shouldn’t take you 7 years to read a childrens’ book)

Do you know what this means??? I mean, really?

Neither do I. It could mean Snape did some awesome dark magic and made Brady have his best game of the season in a must win against those smug internet Xtian bitches of the previous week; it could mean the richest woman in Great Britain had some money on the game and had inside men; or it could mean fucking nothing because, like the Bible, Harry Potter is a work of fantasy and has no bearing on  NFL games, or anything else that coincidentally shows a seemingly significant number. NFL fans think fantasy fans are dorks.

What we’re exploring here is  the Argument by Scenario. Otherwise known as the Texas Gunslinger argument. If you give a guy in Texas a gun, and he shoots a couple hundred times at the broadside of a barn, and THEN you paint a bullseye over the place he hit the most, it is going to look like he is a great gunslinger. The similarities between Lincoln and Kennedy fit this argument as well. Christians shit themselves when the Broncos won against the Steelers, and Tebow’s yardage happened to be 316, like the most common fucking New Testament verse referenced, especially in the arena of sports. When you expect  a certain, often eerie result, you’ll find a way to fulfill your own prophesy. Similarly, I took a look at Brady’s stats this week, knowing I would find some significance there.

The only part of this that matters is that Brady’s stats are consistently higher than Tebow’s, because Brady is the better quarterback, and he has a better team surrounding him. That is what matters in today’s professional football. Not superstition, not fantasy, and definitely not a douche who doesn’t even read his own holy book before flaunting it at others.   (Matthew 6:1-34)

Now the world can focus on the remaining four incredibly good teams. The Pats have a tough game against the Ravens this week, and shit are they good. I don’t know if I even want to watch the defensive bloodbath that will be San Fran v NY. What we won’t have to worry about is a subpar player with a prophet complex and a retard’s interest in numerology.

*Mark 13:6 “Many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am he,’ and will deceive many.”

** I hereby claim this stat for Scumbag Style, 6PM central time, Monday, January 16. I don’t like to copyright memes, but if this gets big, I want the damned credit.