By Sean “It’s Only Funny When Someone Gets Hurt” Torrie
I have read this article at least 2 times now, and from at least 4 sources. I… couldn’t find a version that wasn’t funny. This might say something of my own twisted sense of humor, or the abundant irony and happenstance, but it might be that as soon as I read the title of it I put this on before reading any version:
Yea, leave that open and playing. Now get a look at this guy here: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/
Let me try and get all of this in context, ok?
Jim-Bob is sitting in the kitchen and sees ‘that gul-durn mouse’ again. He already has his gun on him, because I know you’re not getting up and leaving a room and expecting a mouse to not book off. Jim-Bob has had a few, but is still certain that shooting indoors at 2am when you’ve got 3 roommates is a good idea.
He takes a shot at the mouse and manages to shoot his roommate in the chest!
Through a wall.
That’s better than how Houdini died, and it only gets more magical.
Lets keep in mind that, through all of this, there’s one roommate that sleeps through the whole ordeal. That makes it all the better. He’s like the guy on the couch in Half-Baked.
So… Lucky, we’ll call him Lucky, gets a bullet in the chest from the other room when his buddy missed while taking shots at Jerry Mouse. Meanwhile, a guy who looks eerily like Evil-Denis-Leary…
Fung Achng Tum Chng Fum Afung Fung Ooh
… is downstairs trying to get it on with his 13 year old girlfriend.
Now, Jim-Bob and Denis here decide it’s time to call for help, since Lucky’s bleeding to death. Does Denis figures a roommate with a bullet hole isn’t a big enough deal for cops to search the house, so he decides to hide Lolita in a closet for a few minutes. That won’t backfire. Not ever.
So the cops arrive, and do a routine search of the house and what do you know? They find Lolita in a closet, let’s presume still in leather bondage. Here’s where it gets properly absurd. Firstly: the other roommates never noticed her, over the course of what she identified as a 4 month long relationship. Secondly: She claims to have snuck out of her parents house, so at least this isn’t as evil as a potential kidnapping. Thirdly: READ THESE GOD DAMNED CHARGES!
Kunzler was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail for investigation of two counts of rape of a child, three counts of sodomy of a child and three counts of sexual abuse of a child. (Daily Mail)
Yes, they’re awful, and this guy’s earned the prison sentence coming to him, but what the hell is with the number of accounts of sodomy? That’s not just experimentation levels, and really, was the child rape just not kinky enough? Also: what the hell is going on in Utah if the 13 year old girls are sneaking out at 2am for sodomy? Mormons have been accused of some interesting stuff, but this one makes me worry about what’s going on in their multi-spouse homes that this environment sounded like a healthier one.
Y'all 'member that porno yuh downloaded what came with the warnin' concernin' fed'ral prosecyooshun? Yop, not nearly as fun as all that.
I… I’m just sorry to anyone reading this article. There’s no way I could out-funny a man, shooting at a mouse in his kitchen, almost murdering another guy in the bathroom, accidentally outing another guy as a child molester, while the 4th roommate sleeps through all of it. I can see our 4th character getting up the next day, and asking why Denis’s room is covered in police tape, and skipping right past all other recourses and checking to see if ‘the pigs’ found ‘his stash’.
