… peanut butter meaning, of course, politics, football, and bananas.
I am a fucking miracle MACHINE
This here´s the Jesus Toaster, which we think is… just great. For the pittance of 35 smackers, you too can experience the miracle of His Divine Presence in foodstuffs normally reserved for the unwashed ignorants of Central and South America´s poorer countries. Every morning! Because in no way does the ability to recreate, at will, what used to be priceless manifestations of God´s love cheapen the experience. For you bulemics, the Tim Tebow version is set to be released soon, so you won´t even have to shove a finger down your throat to stay thin and toothless all year ´round. (Christian Post)
Tenesseehas responded to teen bullying suicides by introducing a bill that would make it alright for
Gosh, thanks you guys. I´m the son of God and I need thugs beating on the girly boys for me. That makes me look great.
school children to harass homosexuals, as long as they do it for Jesus. Kind of like a birthday present for the guy who literally has everything. The idea is that not being able to call a homosexual peer a faggot in school, or tell him he´s going to hell, is an infringement on the Christian student´s first amendment rights. This is another thing Scumbag Style can throw our whole weights behind. Cast those first stones, friends, because, on religious grounds, I think you´re a hopeless pile of elephant dooks whose ignorance is poisoning the very gene pool we all have to swim in, and if you were forcefully sterilized, the Earth itself would benefit, not to mention my invisible best friend who hates you inherently. Also, you have cooties. And I will say this in front of everyone you have to spend 12 miserable years of your life with. Then we´ll see who´s shooting up with his mom´s Windex and writing a wimpy tear-stained letter. (SMV Nashville)
After last night´s frankly stunning performance by Denver franchiser and enemy of all things wholesome Tim Tebow, in which he actually did quarterbacky things, I got the following message in the Bitch Box: “Atheist, how does it feel knowing Tim Tebow won 29-23 in overtime? Does it make you realize how dumb you are? – Voted4BushTWICE” I have to say, you got me, friend. Tebow prayed a bit, and won a game. You voted for Bush twice, and I am indeed the dumb one. I mean, you could make the point that Tebow is bound to win once in a while. God aside, would Denver have made him their franchise quarterback if he wasn´t going to win a few? Do you know how many millions of dollars rest on the successes and failures of an NFL franchise? Trust me, people talk a good game about God, but ask a millionaire how many times he left his finances in the hands of prayer. Also, did the Broncos win in overtime, or did Tebow walk out there alone? Still, I guess it is not so ridiculous to think God had something to do with a moderately talented quarterback having a few lucky throws.
Like Dear Abby, but hate mail is actually encouraged here.
But Voted4BushTWICE (congrats for making it past age 22 with your handicap), I must then ask you, is that how God wins? In overtime? Barely squeaking by against an objectively immoral rapist quarterback with a wrenched ankle? Whilst ignoring hunger, famine, disease, and suffering around the world? How great is your God that he had to put all of his effort into winning one playoff game, against a team that frankly didn´t bring their A-game? Question answered. I do hope you are willing to answer my question concerning your feelings next week when my Pats kick the living shit out of Denver for the second time this year. Tom Brady is greater than God.
The inerrant, unquestionable, and perfect word of God has been “clarified” in the 2011 edition of the NIV (New International Version of the Bible, which isn´t really all that international, being written by and for your average southern American darky hater). It seems the 1984 version wasn´t nearly clear enough on just what an abomination you can make of yourself in the sack. Douglas J Moo (tee hee), who chairs the committee that dares fuck with the Big Guy´s original edicts, said it was necessary to mess with many of the big ones, including Corinthians, Romans, and Leviticus. It was necessary because it apparently isn´t clear that the “homosexual sins” and “perversions” referred to by Bronze Age egg heads means “dudes doing each other in the butt.” For it is icky unto His sight.
The updated NIV reflects the fact that the key Greek word here refers to males.
It is of amazing comfort to this observer that, no matter how the hate mill turns in our great society, we can all agree that two chicks getting it on is pleasing on a natural and supernatural level. Make with the gamahuche ladies, you just got your deific endorsement. (Christian Post)
